Constitution for the No Balls Ass Fantasy Basketball League
On this day, December 11, 2011, a single short message has been sent to a group of esteemed and formidable gentlemen. The beginning text of the subsequent message, delivered by electronic mail, read as follows:
Fantasy NBA. It exists.
Need I say more?
We the Men of the No Balls Ass, in Order to form a more perfect League, establish a unified Scoring System, provided for by E!spn, insured by domestic NBA TV viewing, in order to promote the general concept of Fun, and secure the Blessings of Victory to ourselves and our Bragging Rights Amongst Friends, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the No Balls Ass Fantasy Basketball League.
Section 1: League Name
On the date of February 23, 2007, once esteemed basketball influencer Bill Simmons called the NBA the “No Balls Association” in a Page 2 trade deadline article, regarding the NBA’s lack of trade activity at that year’s deadline. Henceforth, it shall be duly noted that our league’s moniker and inspiration of No Balls Ass, shall be attributable to this exact reference.
Section 2: Members
The No Balls Ass Fantasy Basketball League shall be comprised of friends and the league number of Members shall be 12. Members shall not be limited by their age, sex, race, sexual proclivities, nor desire to consume PBR Hard Coffee. Membership may be terminated at any point, for any reason, upon determination by League Commissioner.
Section 3: Scoring
Basically, we fucked up Year 1 and made each missed shot count for -1 points. From then on, we have learned to subtly tweak E!spn’s scoring system each year thereafter to fit our desired preferences and outcomes. Scoring system decisions are made at the discretion of League Commissioner upon consulting with general league consensus.
Section 4: Rosters
Each Member shall maintain a Roster and will be entitled to an assigned number of active players in the NBA. PG, SG, SF, PF, C, Utility, Utility, Bench, Bench, Bench will be the designated slots that each player may occupy. Player positions are assigned solely at the discretion of @ESPNFANSUPPORT.
Section 5: Draft
We shall begin the selection of players to outfit Member Rosters at a date appointed by which we will refer to as Draft Day, may it be Holy. Players shall be drafted in a “snake” manner.
Section 6: Head-to-Head Matchups
Competition shall commence upon the start of the official NBA season with Members randomly paired up for head-to-head competition. Upcoming completion of regular season, we shall commence upon League Playoffs featuring 8 teams, ranking according to order, and paired with 1 week head-to-head matchups, until 1 Member is deemed Champion.
Section 7: Payouts
Each Member shall pay $25 to League Commissioner with payouts upon conclusion of season of $150 for 1st, $100 for Second Place, and $50 for Third Place.
Section 1: Executive power
The Executive Power shall be vested in a League Commissioner of the No Balls Ass Fantasy Basketball League. He shall hold his Office during a term of however long we all want him to hold his term.
Section 2: Transfer of power
Should League Commissioner decide to vacate his position, he shall appoint a successor who is a member of the league and in good standing amongst his fellow league members.
Section 1: iPhone
All league members are required to maintain an apple handheld computer device, commonly known as an iPhone, for purposes of league communication.
Section 2: iMessage thread
All league members are required to join and maintain “a presence” on the “league thread”. Failure to do is just not cool, man.
The following season’s Draft Positions shall be based upon final league standings, minus First, Second, and Third place, who shall be last in respective Draft Positions.
No Balls Ass Fantasy Basketball League should incorporate an IR slot for players deemed Out by @ESPNFANSUPPORT
No Balls Ass Fantasy Basketball League shall draft via Auction Draft heretofore henceforth.
Establishment of 3D printed gold Ring for Season Champion, to be deducted from league buy-in.
Buy-in shall increase to $50 per Member and Payouts shall be adjusted accordingly for Champion payout, Champion Ring, Second Place, and Third Place. Total Payouts to be decided and administered by Commissioner upon league consult.
Establishment of Official League Audio Communications Podcast Channel, The Fantasy Basketball Podcast. Decided and Directed by The Real Tom Bratt Studios. League participation is not compulsory, yet encouraged.
Establish League MVP, as voted on by league Members. Members shall cast vote upon conclusion of regular season, by passing secret ballot to Commissioner, who shall provide tally to fellow League Members.
Establishment of the Toilet Bowl and Toilet Bowl Trophy to be awarded to Member who is Champion of the Toilet Bowl.
Members may be unilaterally and unceremoniously removed if fellow league Member(s) life is threatened, whether in jest on the thread or in “real life.”
Fantasy Brewing Company shall add 1 Additional Bench slot
League Name Change. League shall be named and referred to heretofore henceforth as “Fantasy Brewing Co.” or “Fantasy Brewing Company” or “Fantasy Brew Co.”
Establishment of Fantasy Brewing Company League Merchandise to be hosted and delivered by RedBubble, dedicated and directed by NoPattern’s own Tony Basketboll
League Members shall not “double post” within league dedicated thread and are encouraged to use inline replies as often as possible.
During worldwide global Covid-19 pandemic, league shall employ 2 additional IR spots for purposes of only covid-related Out designations. This Amendment is set to expire when NBA league offices dispense of Covid related “health and safety protocols”.